David Cameron’s 12-point plan for the bombing of Syria, as approved by Cabinet today:
1. Bomb the enemy.
2. Backtrack a bit, and explain who the enemy are. They are ISIL militants. They are not the forces of Assad (that was 2013), though they may be bombed again in the future. They are not members of the Free Syrian Army or any other “moderates”, if they exist.
3. Don’t bomb any “moderates”. Despite the fact that “moderates” often become hardline Islamists or work with them, we will have no trouble deciding who is who.
4. Reassure the public that no civilians will be killed. Our 1000lb precision bombs mean that any militant who tries to hide in a group of civilians or deep in a bunker will be taken out, and he alone.
5. Persuade the public that our contribution on top of US, French and Russian bombing will be the turning point in the Syrian civil war.
6. Make an infographic which clarifies the difference between good bombs (ours, French, US) and bad bombs (Russian, ISIL suicide bombs).
7. Fight the argument that all these bombs could raze Syria to the ground with maps, eg showing that the Golan Heights are really quite high.
8. Don’t help the Kurds too much. They’re commies in conflict with our friends the Turkish government.
9. Pretend that the pleas from civilians in Raqqa not to bomb them do not exist.
10. Use the phrase “stand shoulder-to-shoulder with the French” in every media interview. If a journalist mentions Saudi Arabia, change the subject.
11. Appoint Lord Chilcott to lead a public inquiry into the legality of the bombing, to be completed sometime after our death.
12. If there is a terrorist attack on UK soil, say the solution lies in monitoring Muslim children more closely, further invading the privacy of UK citizens, and return to point 1.