England cricket team’s secrets revealed

On the final day of the Lord’s Test the England batsmen must have been truly astonished, and who can blame them? Who’d have imagined it? Short-pitched deliveries! In a Test match! Some commentators have been less generous. Sir Geoffrey Boycott claimed they had committed a painful Japanese suicide, though he confused it with popular discount warehouse “Harry Carry”. But he is right in seeking another explanation for what otherwise was possibly the most dismal exhibition of batting I have ever seen.

In fact I can now exclusively reveal that the England team is in the grip of a sinister evangelical cult and that what happened on the fifth day at Lord’s was none other than a suicide pact, where everyone follows their leader’s command and ends it all in exactly the same way. Except, that is, for Jimmy Anderson, who sought a new and more self-abasing way to meet his Maker. He showed admirable piety and humility. At last we can make sense of the carnage of Monday afternoon. Otherwise we were left puzzling over how an experienced player such as Matt Prior, facing three men on the legside ready to catch him, and having escaped dying to a rash pull shot, would play exactly the same shot again.

Psychological studies show that when the mass hysteria takes hold, even doubters are pulled in, or rather pulled out in this case. Under peer pressure, erstwhile sane and rational Joe Root fell to the same grisly fate. Lord’s pavilion insiders report there may be a mysterious cult sage who dispenses fatal advice in the luncheon interval. And that batsmen chatting in the middle are using a secret handshake.

So now we know. Hapless Captain Cook is not to blame, and until this team is rescued from this evil cult, India will continue to trounce them. Before you dismiss this as an internet conspiracy theory, think for a moment. Do you have a better explanation?

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